just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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