the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
