i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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