She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
