Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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