I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
