I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
