My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
