I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Four minutes until I can fart!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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