I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
