I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
