Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
