Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
