i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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