Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
