he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm both gender and math confused
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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