dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
