You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
