My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
