i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
