I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
