were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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