We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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