i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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