I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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