No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
