you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
