..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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