i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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