My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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