Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
