if i died would you start the facebook group?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
