Im at strip club and am horny
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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