Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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