so explain again why im purple
no
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
