My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
