weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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