I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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