so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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