If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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