You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
