Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
