1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
