Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
