Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
