I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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