I just pynch a tree in the face
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
