woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
