Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
