I must be too annoying 4 u.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
